Whats up?

It's my birthday today... today rings even stronger the life that has manifested around me over the last years. I remember for my birthday in 2011, I had an astrology reading... he said I was coming out of a period of 7 years of hard lessons in life (which I recognised) and was facing another 7 more difficult years... I hoped it wouldn't be so bad! Hoped his serious face was just a bit of over dramatisation! He also said possibly in the phase I would have a child... which seemed highly unlikely to me at the time, being single and not at all in the 'space' for that... but I did... and difficult it has all been.

I've held back writing this for a long time... Many of you gather already, I know, something has been 'up' with me. So here it is... I've tried many ways to resolve this in private and now I'm turning it all over with my hands in the air and letting it go. There's something in the air around me the last couple of weeks, a strong feeling that this is the end of this and I'll be very happy to wave it goodbye.

In 2011 I had a complete overhaul of my life. Unhappy in my job, just out of a relationship in which I really hurt another and was also hurt badly myself in the process. I'd been living my life for parties for a long time by then... drugs and clubs and after parties and bitching about others was getting boring and I was ready for a big change. I wanted to know who I was and resolved to begin a journey into that direction. I began writing a blog and exploring who I was, my interests, beliefs, desires. I was always drawn to spirituality so I began going to some gatherings, doing some healing, involving myself in these kind of things. From the beginning I found myself quite intimidated by 'Spiritual' people... this was strange as I'd considered myself quite confident and ok with who I was until then. 

But anyway, I was feeling really good, like I'd taken control of my life and choices and there was magic in the air, experiencing a huge increase in synchronicities,  meaningful conversations, excitement for life, unusual situations, and I was loving it... and then I met a man who has impacted my life ever since that day we met in a way no-one else ever had.

I basically fell in love instantly... really fell, flat on my face... obsessed, completely. Couldn't think about anything else, couldn't sleep, eat, nothing. And I believed there was something special in this connection, that I had found my soulmate and created fantasies about the beautiful life we were going to live together. Reality was, the feeling and obsession was so strong that after only a short time of being in contact I broke. I found myself in so much grief, I couldn't understand what was going on with me. He would say a simple 'Hello' in a text message and I'd be sobbing on the floor crying, feeling I couldn't handle to be hurt by him. I was a mess. Needless to say, nothing happened between us romantically. This is the background story part of what has been happening with me ever since.

It wasn't long after then that social media became a really big part of my life. Now, what I will say next, has not actually been verified outright by anyone involved, this is my version of events and I hope I will be able to explain simply and clearly enough to be understood, something which feels to me to be quite complicated and paradoxical on many levels. 

Life was already feeling a lot different to how it had before my decision to make a change. Only now the initial excitement had dissolved and I was going deep into my shadow. I was spending more time in social media and began to feel there was another way of using it among people in 'spiritual' circles. So I was going along with it. It felt initially like there was a way of using it that led to self growth, To be honest, I cant remember what exactly were my thoughts about it in the beginning, only that in many ways what I did and said was somehow being observed and reflected on, using these selected peoples 'superior wisdom' about me and my 'issues'. Even in the beginning though, I was doubtful about my own sense of what was going on. I went backwards and forwards in my thinking and have been doing so for most of the last 6 years. It soon occurred to me that as I saw it a group of people, were now accessing my internet accounts, emails, Facebook messages, search history and using this information to guide me in a direction of their choice. When I first had this realisation, I was horrified. I wanted to go to the police. I wanted to speak to someone but I knew no-one could understand really, I tried to share it, this situation I faced and I knew that there was no-one who could help me, for the first time in my life I couldn't rely on anyone for help or advice. I felt alone, afraid and confused. And I can tell you this, when you realise your every move on the internet is being watched, you have a really good look at yourself... this in itself changed me in a big way, changed how I went about things. I thought I had become involved in a cult. started doing research about what happened to people when they were in cults and I recognised some of my situation in what I read.  But still mostly feeling unable to do anything about what was going on and feeling powerless with having constant opposing messages given to me in the form of directed Facebook posts, tags, emails and others... I found myself only focused in trying to work out what 'they' wanted so that I could be spiritually evolved enough to graduate and get free of this system. I was so desperate to be enlightened and prove myself worthy that I went along with many things that were sent my way that I knew at the time were staged... such as work opportunities,  tests of a moral nature, or tests on my level of consciousness. Subliminal messages of 'do this', 'do that', 'be this', 'more that', 'less of that', 'more of this'... Exhausting. Most days I woke up asking myself "What the fuck is this?!" and many nights the same question kept me awake. This may seem a little confusing already so maybe you get a sense of how I have felt over this time. 

As I remember it took a long time for me to approach anyone to voice my concerns. And when I did I immediately regretted and accepted the rejection of my hazy concerns immediately. I tried several times, but failed and failed again to get anyone to share verbally what they were showing me with every other of their actions. I became accustomed to the term gaslighting, where a person or people control another through convincing them that they are crazy and imagining things they see and feel, and yet I always felt that these people wanted me to somehow escape or overcome this experience but that it was very carefully organised so that I would get the most growth out of it. 

I think its also relevant to include that I had realised during 2 Vipassana retreats that I had a deep internal fear of being 'crazy' and that I also believed that I was hated by everyone. When you meditate silently for 10 days, 11 hours a day you get to see many of these beliefs that you have been unconsciously living with in HD and so as perhaps you can see I was struggling in the tension between my patterns and the strange new reality I was dealing with.

The years passed, getting more used to this way of living. In the meantime other notable life events...getting into a relationship, having a baby, having autoimmune disease, moving to a new country all the while not really knowing what to do about the situation I faced. Becoming more and more fearful and protective of my small life. Having people close to me turn against me and have huge difficulties relating to one another. Not trusting anyone and not wanting to do anything that didn't feel real or true, true in the sense that it wasn't created with an agenda or somehow artificially arranged for me. Stuck in the tension between my fears and what I saw and felt with my heart, I have gradually during this time learned to trust myself more... and while of course I cant possibly be certain of anything I now also love and accept myself enough to listen gently to what I feel is really going on here. Whether this was the intention of the whole thing, or a coincidental side effect I don't know. And perhaps the most unusual part and the thing that kept me stuck the longest was that although I sensed all these things being done which were not ok for me, the other people concerned, I did feel love for on the most part. I wanted to love them anyway, and wanted to be loved by them but feeling this barrier I began to stop as much as possible socialising with anyone. 

All this said, I have realised that I don't need to prove myself to anyone. My level of self worth held me back from seeing that I deserve to be treated with respect regardless of how evolved I might or might not be. That this challenge in my life is something I don't need anymore and I'm letting it go, I have nothing more to learn from this as it is. I am grateful for what I have learned, for the intentions and efforts of those around me. I do sense that the intentions behind this were good, to connect me with my 'spiritual gifts' or 'true path', but it only serves to disempower and keep me stuck. I am sharing this with the wish that it transform in the highest way possible for all and that starts with me. Every person matters and deserves to be treated with care and love, wherever they are on their journey. A flower does not grow best if you shout at it to do so or leave it alone in hostility, it grows best with careful treatment and love. The paradox is this... this has been a period of my life with immense suffering - in which I learned valuable lessons I may not have otherwise. In which I learned to rely on myself and go inside on a journey of self discovery. Life has been very hard and I've been a victim in most part but still it has been worth living, for those small precious moments of peace I've managed to find and for the love I've found and still finding for myself and the lessons I learned, for Noah who kept me strong when I felt like I couldn't carry on.
Paradoxical, deep experience, in many ways difficult to put into words, tense, emotional and traumatic. I'm reluctant in many ways to share the ways in which I see I have grown from this experience so as not to bring any confusion that this way of life no longer serves me and is no longer welcome or accepted, and as such will be considered violence if it continues. I have a strong sense that I am not the only one this has happened and is happening to either and it's time we take responsibility for our actions and have some real conversations about what has unfolded here.